The Rocky Hózhǫ́ Picture Show

I've dealt with depression since I became a teenager, continuing through high school and throughout my adult life.

For two years, when I was 17 to 19 I took self defense classes at Shockwave Self Defense, where I trained under Michael Johnson AKA the "Black John Wick" (looked him up a few weeks ago and he’s been poppin on social media, hundreds of thousands of followers)  We studied hand to hand combat, home invasion scenarios, firearms, weapons retention and disarmament, knife defense, all kinds of things. At the time I was training for war, training to follow my dream of becoming a Navy SEAL.

I spent a lot of my teenage years studying martial arts, philosophy, and the psychology of violence. Trying to understand what people were capable of, what I was capable of, and how to prepare myself for the worst. I think I just wanted total control over my own life. That's all I've ever wanted.

When we started Mothership Alumni at 25, I thought Art was the answer to all my problems. And it has definitely been extremely helpful to me, almost to the point of being unhealthy by relying on it so heavily. I had created this whole world for myself through my art, operating my business, surrounding myself with creative people, building something that I could pour every last iota of my being into. Something that gave me a sense of purpose and control over my own circumstances.

Then not long before my 30th birthday I became a father. Started taking my physical health a lot more seriously. 

A big reason I started running was because I'd seen people not much older than me, people who weren't terribly out of shape, die from heart attacks and things like that. And also the 10 year challenge and seeing photos of myself posing with weapons as a teenager triggered something in me. I wanted control over my own health and to rediscover that physical strength and determination I had back then, without all the mental health struggles I was going through at the time. Wanted to pair that with the mental strength ten years had given me, so I started getting back into shape. Not getting back into guns or preparing for war, but the fitness side of things. Ultra Endurance, seeing what my body was capable of.

And I feel like I've gained a tremendous amount of control over my health and my life because of that. I've spent decades molding myself into a person that doesn't need anybody but myself to survive. Learning how to defend myself, how to create things, how to run a business, how to take care of my body. Wilderness survival. Land navigation. Trying to become as self-sufficient as possible.

But experiencing all this death in my own personal sphere of experience in this world this year, has really made me start reexamining a lot of things.

I've been working on the Wake Self documentary, which has taken a lot of emotional effort just to get my mind ready to tell his story. Wake was killed by a drunk driver. Driving has never been the same after that. Feeling the need for constant vigilance on the road. Me and his brother Eric went out to the crash site where he was struck, and it was just so unsettling seeing the way the road was set up. Realizing that he had absolutely no chance to even pull his car out of the way in time to avoid the collision. He had no chance with the way that curve was set up and this demon driving 90mph down it. You can do everything right, take care of yourself, be responsible, and somebody else's recklessness can end your life in an instant.

Then a friend being home invaded and murdered was another reminder of the human related risks outside of heart attacks and bad health choices and drunk driving. Home invasion scenarios are literally something I've prepared myself for, and now somebody I knew was murdered in his own home. And after all the violence that's been known to take place here in Albuquerque, I started reexamining that whole part of my life when I was a depressed teenager training for war.

I started practicing with a handgun again, going back through all my old self defense notes, reading about the aftermath of a deadly self defense scenarios. Looking into firearm tactics classes, revisiting the things I'd spent years learning when I was younger.

Then I find out another friend committed suicide with his gun.

And that sent me down another rabbit hole of trying to understand firearms and mental health. Looking up the statistics, the preventive measures, the true risks of wielding such a deadly weapon.

So how do I reconcile those things? How do I prepare myself to protect myself and my loved ones without introducing another deadly risk into my own life? How do I maintain that sense of control?

Then I'm out on a run one day and come across a woman hanging from a bridge. And I can't stop thinking about it. About who she was, what she was going through, what led her to that moment. Then hearing that supposedly it wasn’t even a suicide. 

Then seeing the school shooting in Bend, Oregon, hearing about the guy who intervened and shot the teenage shooter. A scenario that I've thought about having to face myself if I were ever in that situation. The hyper paranoia that’s been surrounding our kids to where people don't even feel comfortable sharing their pictures or life developments online anymore. 

I used to always hate seeing the news on. Why the fuck would I want to start my day seeing all the most awful shit that's been happening in my city and around the world? I could insulate myself from that in the world I'd created through my art, operating my business, and my physical fitness pursuits. I had plenty of things to worry about in my own life. I didn't need to start every morning hearing about somebody getting murdered, somebody killing themselves, another drunk driving accident, another school shooting, another tragedy. 

Now I can't help but empathize with so many of the tragic news stories I see every day.

When I wake up, throughout the day, before I go to sleep. Every story reminds me of somebody I knew, something I've experienced, or something I've prepared myself for. I want to know what happened, why it happened, what could have been done differently, what I would have done in that situation, what I can learn from it. Wanting control over my own life. 

And it’s been taking a toll on me.

I've spent decades trying to prepare myself for whatever life might throw at me. Trying to become physically capable, mentally resilient, financially independent, creatively fulfilled. Trying to become somebody who doesn't need anybody else to survive. And so much of that has been incredibly valuable. I've taught myself discipline, given myself purpose. Running gave me control over my physical health. Building Mothership Alumni gave me a way to create the kind of world I wanted to live in. But none of those things can make me invulnerable. I can't run enough miles to guarantee I won't die prematurely. I can't train enough martial arts and gun tactics to guarantee I'll survive a violent encounter. I can't bring any of my friends back by understanding every detail of how they died.

My neurodivergency is always telling me to wait. To write it all down, write the script, shoot the video, edit the video, get everything organized and articulated exactly the way I want it before I put anything out there. And then I'll spend days, weeks, sometimes months, YEARS thinking about it, trying to find the right way to communicate what I'm feeling. But more and more I know we need to talk about these things.  And it’s hard to  keep waiting until I've figured out exactly what I want to say. I'm trying to understand the world my daughter is growing up in, trying to figure out how to protect the people I love without allowing fear and anxiety to dictate my life. Trying to understand my own mental health.

 Two things that never fail to make me feel better in times like these is reading my old journals, and writing. I’ve been keeping journals for over 15 years so I’ve had a lot of practice and have revisited my personal philosophy many times. It does feel good to share sometimes. Even if I’m really just talking to myself.